We Need Women

I met a couple at a party. During our discussion, the girl tells me that she’s travelled through several parts of the world. That she is a strong person and she wants to provide for herself and her future family. That she wants equality for not only herself and other women, but for everyone. She said she was in the Norwegian military and apparently helps protect the King or Queen or whatever the fuck kind of royalty structure they have over in Norway. She was hot, well dressed, and very feminine. As an American she was amazing to me because the combination of her physical and mental traits are atypical in our society. I was in such disbelief at how strong and independent of a woman she was, that I kept eyeing her crotch, wondering if she had a dick tucked under there.

She was everything that a modern woman should be. Then I found out she’s 20. Yes, 20. I have 13 more years of experience on this earth, yet her story was challenging my perception of what it means to be equal. I turn to her 18 year old boyfriend (18!), who had been quietly listening, and asked him what he thought about her views. He just smiled and shrugged like this was typical of women in Norway. He was right, most women I met in Norway were similar to his girlfriend. Norwegian women, or Scandinavian women in general, aren’t afraid to ask a man out on a date. They insist on paying for themselves. They participate heavily in the political process. They are confident in their abilities. They want to be respected as true equals. That’s HOT ????!

Just Not US

It’s not that American women aren’t beautiful or strong. Indeed they are. It’s that our society has tremendous amount of work to do before we reach real equality. We still have to unwire what’s left from thousands of years of subjugation. Not only through policy changes, which is very important, but through societal changes.

After visiting all the Scandinavian countries last year in which I saw the true potential of women in society, I felt a bit disillusioned about the progress of American feminism. From my observations, most women still live by the roles defined by our cultures, religions, and governments under the guise of conservatism, chivalry, and old fashioned-ness. It’s not the woman’s fault; she’s been trained to be subservient to the man. She’s been trained to think that he pays, that he takes care of her, and that her role is secondary. It’s even perpetuated through the songs we listen to and all those Disney movies that claim the only way to achieve eternal happiness is through the lips of a Prince…or a slimy amphibian.

Girl Power

My affinity for women started when I was very young. In my teens, my guy friends and I would play sports, talk trash about each other, have wrestling matches, and have fart contests which were judged based on length of time, loudness, and stinkiness. I rarely won ????. My girl friends and I, however, would talk on the phone after school for hours like Chatty Kathys (1960s reference, what whaaaat!) about a range of topics and our conversations were complex and high level. My female friends never had queefing contests, at least not that I know of. Though I would love to be a judge if there was such a competition.

These women unknowingly created the foundation of my views and actions towards their gender. Coming from a conservative background, the older I got and the more informed I became, the more I believed in the need for women’s rights in society. Now, a majority of my friends are women, including my best friend. I’m more likely to be standing up at a wedding in an unflattering dress as a best woman than a best man. Ugh. I’ll have to shave. Everywhere.

Women don’t realize the power they hold. Having a pussy is like having a black American Express card, don’t leave home without it. Since I have many female friends it makes me feel like a VIP when we’re out. I rarely wait in line, or pay for cover. I just tell the bouncer, “look at all the pussy I brought with me bro.” He laughs, unhooks the velvet rope, and pats me on my upper back three times as I walk into the club.

Besides complexity, power, and intelligence, women are also very supportive. I’ve been doing stand-up comedy for several years now and when a male friend comes to my show he usually brings a date because he’s trying to kill two birds with one stone. He’s trying to support me, but his mind still places priority on getting laid. When a female friend comes to a show, she brings all her friends. She shouts louder than a cockatoo about how great and funny I am, even if I have a horrible set. Once a woman loves you, you have unmatched support and loyalty.

Economically, women are very viable as well. They are half the population, and by suppressing them we’re not reaching our true potential as human beings. Women bring a different set of abilities, skills, and ideas to our society. It may sound misogynistic putting value on a woman, but I only do so because women have so much value and it isn’t being recognized or utilized. Women are better, and I’m not just saying that because I haven’t gotten laid in two months ????.

Why Not US

I’ve been wondering if the US will ever get to the form of equality I witnessed in Scandinavia. My hope has been ignited by some of the younger women I’ve met since my trip. Like the 19 year old that doesn’t want men paying for dates, she prefers to split the check. The 17 year old who asked out a boy at school. The 27 year old that wants to be independent, and wants to work and support the family she wants to create with her boyfriend. The sex positive 23 year old who interns at UN Women, pushing for more rights and less judgement.

I think, even though there’s still systematic inequality for us to clean up, the missing ingredient for women’s rights in America, a woman’s confidence, is finally taking root. Women have to really feel like they can do anything and have anything they want. They have to take it. My friend Jasmine, 29 years old, extremely intelligent and great at her career, was interviewing for a job she wanted. Before salary negotiations I told her to ask for a lot more because the employer would probably come back with a counter offer closer to her original amount. She was hesitant because she didn’t want the employer to be turned off.

Researchers have determined that a woman’s hesitation in asking for more money affects how much they make in their lifetime versus men. I believe that this lack of confidence affects women in other aspects of their lives as well. To me, Jasmine asking for more made perfect sense. She already had a good paying job, she had just started interviewing and already had this large, high end, retailer wanting to hire her. Plus, it was November, which is prime time for retail, and they needed someone with experience right away. She had the upper hand. Jasmine heeded my advice and nervously asked for much more. The employer came back with an offer that was higher than her original amount. I was pissed though, ‘cause bitch didn’t give me 10% of that extra cash she made after my consultation. WTF Jasmine. W. T. F.

We need women. We need you to be confident. We need you to be part of the conversation. We need you helping lead our companies, scientific communities, and political arenas. I’m tired of watching old white men on C-SPAN determining a woman’s reproductive rights. We need women to not only help further women’s rights in America and other western nations, but to help further the progress of women in countries where they don’t have a voice. We need women to help in the fight to ensure every human, regardless of gender, race, sexuality, etc. are treated with respect and dignity. We need women. All I ask is if reading this helped you make significant gains for yourself, remember this very important rule, give me my 10%. C.R.E.A.M. ????

What do you think ladies and gentleman? Comment below