Broken Into Whole

February 3, 2016 |
By Sadiq Samani

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My girlfriend of three years broke up with me in October of 2015. I’m heartbroken, but I still haven’t cried yet. I tried! I want to let it all out. I made a scrapbook on Pinterest, watched The Notebook, sniffed an old pair of panties that I stole from her house. Nothing!

Maybe it’s because I’m an adult now because when I was in high school I went bat shit crazy when my exes and I split. I would lay in bed crying until my tears eroded the materials of the mattress until a sinkhole formed, swallowing me into it’s depressive state. I would actively seek people who would sympathize and tell me that I’m great and that my ex didn’t deserve me.

Processing

After I had time to digest our breakup I realized that maybe I didn’t cry because I predicted the end of our relationship several months prior to it occurring. I recall telling a good friend of mine that if my ex and I made it through to 2016 our relationship would be stronger than ever. If not, we would breakup. In Oct 2015 we broke it off and my prophecy made me look like I was a modern day Nostradamus. Since I was mentally prepared to move forward, and having cried enough for the last several months of an unstable relationship, I didn’t have tears left for when the band-aid was ripped off of my skin.

Our breakup was a great decision. Even though she and I were similar people in many ways, our values never aligned. We are made of the same composition, but we thrive in different solar systems. I’m fairly certain I know what I want, but she was still developing her values. At the very least she knew she didn’t want the same things as me, and close to the end I could see that she wasn’t the “one” for me.

More:  #learning #a #new #language

I lost a best friend. She knew a lot of things about me, even my demented thoughts that aren’t suitable for the ears of society. I also knew a lot of things about her, even her demented thoughts that aren’t suitable for the ears of society. We had a complex relationship, much more so than I have ever experienced or witnessed. It was deep. I would write about the intricacies, but I still haven’t processed it all and, in order to respect my ex’s privacy, I will save my thoughts for the future when it’ll be more appropriate to share it in a constructive way #adult. Regardless, we learned a lot from each other and I believe we needed each other for our growth. I personally learned how to appreciate family, dress fashionably, and communicate effectively through her.

The way we split up showed that we respected and cared for each other. We were amicable and we weren’t trying to hurt one another due to our own insecurities. She was nice enough to keep my furniture and clothes at her place while I searched for an apartment, instead of throwing my stuff out onto the street. I was nice enough not to post nudes of her as revenge porn.

Recovery

For the first few weeks after the break up I found myself having so much love and no one to give it to. I noticed myself attaching to anyone that gave me an opening. I started acting like an abandoned duckling that was trying to find his momma. Luckily, I have great family and friends who collectively gave me the love I needed to move forward.

More:  Down With the Sickness

This was the first relationship where I wasn’t an asshole that screwed up. In fact, it was the best I’ve ever been as a significant other, and I feel I did it better than most. I was completely honest, straightforward, caring, compromising, and committed. I learned what a relationship was. I felt like I morphed from a boy into a man.

I learned that I’m a whole person. Society perpetuates this myth that we are not complete until we find the piece that fits our puzzle. All our lives we hunt for that feeling, but the entire time the answer to the puzzle is inside of us. I’m intelligent, funny, tech savvy, fashionable, and I can motherfuckin’ dance ????. Yeah son. I complete me.

All About Me

Some people would write about a break up to destroy their ex’s credibility. I’m writing this because it was my first adult relationship and my first adult breakup. Writing this serves as a way to share my self reflection. It’s also a brain dump of my memories of us. Sort of like placing the remains of the deceased onto a small raft and pushing it out into the ocean while giving the eulogy.

I’m moving forward, and right now I’m completely focused on myself. The only commitment I’ll be a part of for the foreseeable future is my relationship with stand-up comedy. I will also use this time to upgrade my internal software to a new version of myself. Version 34: try new things, meet new people, continue to have the time of my life ????.

It’s not to say that I’m never going to have a relationship again. Of course I will. As I said, I have a lot of love to give and when I’m ready I’ll open my heart. Till then I don’t want a committed relationship affecting my self-progress. Though, I am a human that has needs and I do want some good quality fucking and cuddling every so often without all the strings. Yes, I know my honesty will repel women as much as a man saying they have a venereal disease. I don’t care, because right now it’s all about me. ✌️???? 

More:  New York Bubble

Have you ever had a bad breakup? How about a good breakup? What are your thoughts? Comment below yo.

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