While researching my website statistics on Google Analytics, I noticed that people have found me in search results by typing in “goatporn.com” as the keyword. I don't know how this could be as I do not have anything on my site, to my knowledge, regarding goats and definitely not goat porn. Yes, it’s likely that I may have referenced porn, but in the context of me watching good ole wholesome normal porn like girl on girl, threesomes, cumshots, anal, squirting and the occasional vaginal fisting. The latter being more for educational purposes than sexual stimulation. Just hoping to catch a blooper of some dude losing his watch while inside a woman's cervix.

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My parents cried as we left the auditorium where I had just completed my Oath of Allegiance and received my certificate. My father, trying to hold his composure, says, “I’m just glad there’s finally an American in the family.” I’ve only seen my dad cry twice. The other time was when I was younger and I tried to runaway from home, making it two measly blocks to a friend’s place.

After getting back from the ceremony I locked myself in my room as tears burst out of my eyes like a fire hydrant succumbing to the pressure of all the water it had been suppressing. 22 years, 5 months, 20 days it took the government to give me an opportunity.

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My ingenious girlfriend came up with an idea last week after both of us had been complaining for months about the unhealthy choices we were making. Me with the daily mocha devised of three espresso shots, Nutella, milk and diabetes. Her with habits of binging on more ice cream than a girl whose friends brought her a gallon of Ben & Jerry’s because she just got dumped.

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"Put Molly all in her champagne, she ain't even know it. I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain't even know it."

I didn’t even know these lyrics existed until a few weeks ago when the internet blew up, virally distributing this content into the consciousness of many people that were connected. Apparently, over 51,000 signatures were signed onto a petition to Reebok demanding that the company retract Rick Ross’s contract and drop him from their franchise. That’s the voice of 0.00017% of the US population. There are more people at just a single Bears game, with a packed Soldier Field having a capacity of 61,000+.

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Romney won the debate last week, if you consider delusional rhetoric as winning. Obama won the debate last week if you consider facts as winning. The only loser was the American public.

Did we really lose? I watched an hour and a half of questions, answers and rebuttals going back and forth between the candidates of the Democratic and Republican parties, moderated by Jim Lehrer. Questions that adhered to the strict guidelines of the Commission of Presidential Debates (CPD) a “non-partisan” committee which was formed in 1987 by……the Democratic and Republican parties. The same commission that chooses who can participate in the debate. They’ve had the same parties representing us, for almost 30 years!

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